Your belt's on the wrong way! ... And tie your shoes!

Most who are reading this are wondering two things right off the back from the title.
1) Is this some a-hole making fun of someone?
2) OR is this some dumbass, that can't do something.

"Ladies and Gents, make way for King Dumas (pronounced 'dew-maas')."

"All Hail the King!" I shout!
"All Hail the King!" They parade.

OK, for the second time, I have been told my belt is on the wrong way. Apparently, it is supposed to go in one way and come out the other. I said, "I'm left-handed". No luck.

"It doesn't matter! It's on the wrong way!"

"Who f*ckin writes these rules?!"

And better yet, when, and where do people learn them? I must have been absent the day of "Belts and Shoes". I know I was for shoes. I have always had these loose shoelaces dangilng around. "Tie your shoes! Tie your shoes!". OK, already. I get it. I'm 4. No, wait, let me check, ....(pulls out drivers licsense ... '76, carry the 1, ...'), no, I'm almost 30. So sad, so sad. Everyone together,

"Aaaawwwww"
"CHECK THE PIZZA!"

Check your own pizza! I'm trying to tell a story here! @?\*%!.

Anway, so, almost 30 and lifelong issues with belts and shoes. AND, and, (note this), ... no special education classes. Can you believe it!?


The Day I Finally Got the Shoe Thing
A lady came up to me a few months ago, no joke. A few months ago. "Come here." She knelt down, and tied my shoes, as she was talking, -
"Why don't you try a double knot, like this ...."
-my friend walks by laughing - oh man is this embarrasing - that's okay, he cries at movies! (LOL! At least I didn't reveal your name!)
". . . and then finish it like this."
Somehow, someway, I was able to finally get it. This time I actually did listen. Every other time was the same situation, embarrassment. My mother tried when I was a young spud. "Watch me, son!" Oh, God, how embarrasing, a 4 yr old getting his shoes tied! That's what I would think. (Not as embarrasing as a 29 year old getting his shoes tied.) "Mom! I get it! I get it!" I probably said. But I didn't. I didn't listen. Every single knot and double knot I ever tied came undone by an unknown act of God. What was this conspiracy against my laces and belts? What was it? Twenty nine years of embarrassment and pride. The older I got, the worse it got. The less chance I was to take a chance of asking someone, how. How do I tie my shoes? How do I put my belt on? How, how, how? Pride, image, embarrassment, ego. Sad, sad, sad. There's an extreme case of learning to ask for help if I ever knew one.

Now I tie my shoes in double knots. That is until I learn to tie them the right way. I think I'll have to go to confession or something and ask a priest. Learn to tie my shoes the right way in the sole confines of a priest and God. But for now, I'll go double knotted. They're a real bitch to get off or untied when you're tired or drunk, but if you're like me, you just want to get them tied and keep them tied. Anything to avoid one less embarrassment.

Back to the Belt Issue
So, last time I was approached with this belt issue, I don't remember what happened afterwards. I think I tried it "the right way" for awhile. I'm sure I argued - covered for myself - rationalized it all out to a unique style of my own. Whatever I did, it didn't last. I was back to my old ways in no time. It takes a whole lot of something for a man to break a habit.

And this time, well, who's to say? It just feels wierd. I'm left handed. Whatever the hell that means. I'm left handed.

Finally the Moral of the Story
For the most part, this isn't a very entertaining story. Or maybe it is, if you know me well. Maybe it's "just classic". I may experience great remorse for publisizing these experiences. I may humiliatied. But then, again, if you know me, I've often put myself on a ledge for entertainment value. That's part of my whole that I have accepted for the most part.

But if you have a 4 year old, an 8 year old, a 12 year old, a teenager, a special needs child, a drunk, a spaz, a great grandma, an alzheimers parent or relative, a moron, a putz, a dork, a dweeb, an idiot, a clutz, - especially a clutz, or whoever in your life, take a moment, observe them. Are thier shoelaces tied? Is their belt on the right way? Help them out. Especially the kids. Take that kid aside. Tell him or her to tie thier shoes. When they say, "I can't" - help them, they can't. When they ask, "But, why?" or they say, "I don't want to" - when they say "I got it! I got it!, GEEZ!" or "Leave me alone!", and then you see thier laces undone the next day, or thier belt the wrong way the next day - then tell them this story. Tell them they could be 30 and have to learn then, but it would be much easier now. Tell them, "You don't have to be embarrased, it's okay." Make sure they know, this is something they will always have to do. If they still don't believe you, well, tell the little genuises, "Cus if you don't you'll grow up to be an alcoholic." They may not get it, but you may get a laugh or two out of it . Or if that disturbs you deeply to say, or hear, give them the line that surpasses all time, fads and generations, - "Because I said so!". But they may not listen to that.