A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."
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This man is walking down the road and hears someone crying. He stops and looks over the fence and sees a woman without any arms or legs crying beside a pool. He asks "What's the problem?" she says "Well I've never been hugged before." Well this is a nice guy so he hops the fence and gives her a hug. Half an hour later he is going back to his car and hears her crying. He asks "Now what's wrong?" she says "I've been thinking and..I've never been kissed before". Well the guy thinks what's the harm in giving her a kiss to make her feel better? He hops the fence and gives her a kiss. At his car he finds that his keys are lost so he goes back to the girl and finds his keys there but he sees her crying again. "Now what's wrong" he asked She responds "I've never been fucked before" The guy picks her up and throws her into the pool and says "Now you're fucked real good."
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A man walks up to the bar, and speaks to the bartender. "I bet you $500 that I can piss in this cup from across the room." The bartender looks at the man like he was nuts and says with a laugh, "Ooook buddy. You got a deal." So the man walks over to the other side of the room, pulls down his zipper and just lets it fly. Piss goes everywhere; on the bar, on customers, all over the bartender, but not a drop lands in the cup. The man walks back over to the bartender. The bartender says, "Ha ha ha. Well pay up." So the man pays him, turns around and begins to laugh hysterically. The bartender asks, "You just lost $500, why are you laughing?" The man turns around and says to the bartender, "Well you see that man over there." The bartender says, "Yeah." He replies, "Well, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar and you, and that you would be happy and laugh about it!"
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A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you." The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man." So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkn' going on." College guy "Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else so I should do just fine." Farmer "There is also going to be a lot of fightn' so I hope you are ready." College guy "I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape." Farmer says, "Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?" College guy "Good. I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?" Farmer says, "I don't care it's just going to be me and you."
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This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside. The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?" The guy says, "Yea, he licks pussy." So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all. the blond says, "Well? what's up?" The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just get so stressed out and life stuff seems to get funny when it normally wouldn't be? Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . the driver was a DWARF, a little person! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I look down at him and say, "Well, then which one are you?". . . and that's when the fight started.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Pepsi Can Designs
Check It Out - some of these are pretty cool. There is a link to design your own can under the sites of the week.
http://www.pepsigallery.com/
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Check The Pizza - No really, check it
So after work, I went and got a haircut. I was hungry after my haircut, so I forewent watching Survivor to go get some food at the grocery store. (PS, if you read the news around, you know where I'm going with this) I was on the hunt for something quick and some ingredients for Chicken Parmesan (for Saturday night). I went for the Totinos Pizza - $1.00 each. I grabbed the Mexican style pizzas - two of them - and noticed they were missing all the Pepperoni pizzas.
"These bastards need to re-stock", I thought.
Onward to get the rest of my groceries, proving again, that shopping while hungry always burns the pockets. I got home and threw in my Mexican pizza and turned on the last half of Survivor. I booted up my laptop. I watched Survivor while the pizza cooked and then ate. My laptop was on the AOL homepage while I ate right next to it, but I didn't look at the Internet until a few minutes after I ate. Survivor ended and I watched a few minutes of CSI. Then I hopped on the Internet and noticed "Pizza Recall on Totinos ... ". As I read headline, I saw that Totinos pizzas and a similar brand had been recalled due to cases of e-coli. I immediately searched e-coli to see what the symptoms were - stomach cramps, diarrhea, vomiting. I called my sister to tell her what happened.
I forgot how it came about, but she told me she ate a Totinos pizza for dinner also.
"Yeah well get this, I just hopped on the Internet, and read about -"
"-the people getting sick?" She said.
"What?"
As I was talking to her, she heard something about it, too but - BEFORE - she ate the pizza. I gave her a lot of shit on that one. I talked on the phone with her as I read more online. The recall was on Pepperoni and other style pizzas, but none of the pizzas I brought were on the list. I asked my sister and she ate the pepperoni one and it's been in her freezer about a month.
Hopefully she won't get sick. I've eaten the two pepperoni pizzas in the last month. I thought I got a touch of something from one of them, but nothing too serious besides cramps.
What the hell, you can't eat anything anymore.
At the store I also got one of those bags of salad. I was looking at the baby spinach ones thinking how good that would be, then I started thinking about the spinach recalls.
I'd like to eat fresh food everyday. Who wouldn't. But who has the time or the money. That thinking is why I don't eat healthy, but it's a bad attitude to have. I go for the cheaper, easier way. And now - this. I'm eating bacon bits from here on!
"These bastards need to re-stock", I thought.
Onward to get the rest of my groceries, proving again, that shopping while hungry always burns the pockets. I got home and threw in my Mexican pizza and turned on the last half of Survivor. I booted up my laptop. I watched Survivor while the pizza cooked and then ate. My laptop was on the AOL homepage while I ate right next to it, but I didn't look at the Internet until a few minutes after I ate. Survivor ended and I watched a few minutes of CSI. Then I hopped on the Internet and noticed "Pizza Recall on Totinos ... ". As I read headline, I saw that Totinos pizzas and a similar brand had been recalled due to cases of e-coli. I immediately searched e-coli to see what the symptoms were - stomach cramps, diarrhea, vomiting. I called my sister to tell her what happened.
I forgot how it came about, but she told me she ate a Totinos pizza for dinner also.
"Yeah well get this, I just hopped on the Internet, and read about -"
"-the people getting sick?" She said.
"What?"
As I was talking to her, she heard something about it, too but - BEFORE - she ate the pizza. I gave her a lot of shit on that one. I talked on the phone with her as I read more online. The recall was on Pepperoni and other style pizzas, but none of the pizzas I brought were on the list. I asked my sister and she ate the pepperoni one and it's been in her freezer about a month.
Hopefully she won't get sick. I've eaten the two pepperoni pizzas in the last month. I thought I got a touch of something from one of them, but nothing too serious besides cramps.
What the hell, you can't eat anything anymore.
At the store I also got one of those bags of salad. I was looking at the baby spinach ones thinking how good that would be, then I started thinking about the spinach recalls.
I'd like to eat fresh food everyday. Who wouldn't. But who has the time or the money. That thinking is why I don't eat healthy, but it's a bad attitude to have. I go for the cheaper, easier way. And now - this. I'm eating bacon bits from here on!
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